Talking to your partner about premature ejaculation
Dr. Aysha Butt is the Medical Director of FROM MARS, and is a GP Partner at Woodcote NHS Medical Practice.
Sex is great and is often a huge part of any relationship. It can create a feeling of intimacy, it’s an expression of how you feel about each other, and it can strengthen your emotional bond and your relationship.
But if there are underlying issues that are impacting your sex life together, it can begin to affect even the strongest of couples.
So, we need to talk about premature ejaculation and how to overcome it. Most importantly, you need to talk to your partner about it. Yes, it might not be an easy topic to bring up, but your sex life together and your relationship will be all the better for it.
So here goes.
How premature ejaculation can affect relationships
PE can make you feel as though you’re not satisfying your partner, and it can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, anger, and depression. This can spill over into other aspects of your life too. Low self-esteem and other negative emotions can affect your relationships with friends and even your performance at work.
And PE can harm relationships too. Particularly if you avoid sex, but don’t tell your partner why, because you’re too embarrassed to talk about PE. Your partner will think it’s something to do with them.
Your PE Questions Answered
How can you tell if you have premature ejaculation?
Most men occasionally ejaculate faster than they’d like. PE is when it happens often, or every time you have sex. A man is usually diagnosed with PE when:
- he usually ejaculates before sex or within one or two minutes of starting sex,
- he feels he cannot delay his ejaculation, and
- he feels negative emotions from ejaculating quickly like frustration, anxiety, and depression.
What causes premature ejaculation?
It can be complex, as there is a range of physical and psychological issues that can cause and contribute to PE. Psychological and emotional causes can include performance anxiety, relationship issues, and worrying about erectile dysfunction. Physical causes can include unusual hormone levels, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
How can you prevent premature ejaculation?
There’s not one, perfect cure for PE, as it has different causes. There are behavioural treatments that can help, such as trying Kegel exercises and changing the way you masturbate. Counselling can help, and there are effective medical treatments available too, like Priligy. What works for one man will be different for another, and you may need to experiment to find the best treatment for you.
Tackling premature ejaculation together
Your natural reaction may be to pretend your PE isn’t happening. Or perhaps you want to try and fix it all by yourself? But although the idea of talking to your partner about PE might not sound that appealing, it’s the right thing to do.
It will help. It might actually feel good to get it out into the open, to get that weight off your chest and that worry off your shoulders. Finding a solution to your PE will probably be easier with their support. But first you need to broach the topic.
How to have a conversation about PE with your partner
It won’t be easy, we know. But be brave, it’s for the best. The following advice should help make it easier, too:
- Choose a time and a place where you both feel comfortable, and there’s no time pressure. At home is probably going to be better than in public, and make sure you don’t have to leave for something half-way through the conversation.
- Come right out and say it. Be direct. The clearer and more open you can be, the more likely your partner will understand what you’re saying. Open the conversation with something like, “I want to talk about premature ejaculation. I want to talk about ways to treat it, and I’d like your help,” so you’re clear what you’re talking about and what you want from your partner.
- Be open about what you’re feeling. Discussing your emotions may not come naturally to you, but it’s important for your partner to understand how you’re feeling and thinking.
- Don’t assign any blame. Talk about your emotions but be careful not to blame yourself or your partner, as you want to keep the conversation positive and constructive.
- Listen to what your partner says. Let them have their say too and try not to get defensive. You need to both feel involved in the conversation if you’re going to find a solution together.
What to do next?
You should end the conversation by agreeing on what you’re going to do together to address your PE. You may like to try some of the following suggestions:
- Masturbating an hour or two before you have sex. Some men find they last longer if they’ve already ejaculated.
- Using a condom which contains numbing agents.
- Focussing on other aspects of sex. Spend more time on foreplay and oral sex to take the emphasis off penetration, and to make sure sex stays fun and stress-free.
- Taking PE meds such as Priligy. Priligy is an effective PE medication that’s taken as a pill before you have sex, and it helps many men last longer.
Talking to your partner about premature ejaculation might be tough, but it’s important you do it. You’re in it together, and you’re more likely to find a solution if you tackle it as a team. Keep a positive mindset, follow our advice, and put premature ejaculation behind you.